I'll stay (with you I see new colours)
by laptopheroine
Summary: Post-Season 2. Kind of AU. After the fall of Sandstorm, Jane is given the option to leave. To have a fresh start. But for the first time in her life, she chooses to stay. This is what happens when she does.


They told her she could go anywhere.

They said she could have a fresh start, with a new name, a new identity, a new life. She didn't have to be Jane Doe anymore, a woman with a painful, unremembered past and a shattered family.

But she's sick of fresh starts.

She's had enough of new identities, of being so many different people that she no longer has any idea who her true self is. She knows that some people would kill for a fresh start because it's easy, it's new, it's a chance to be someone else. But what's really worth it is staying. Staying to deal with the fallout of your own actions and to fight for what you want. For what you love.

That's what she wants.

She doesn't want to discard Jane Doe like she discarded Alice Kruger and Remi and who knows how many aliases. She wants to stay and for once let life unfold in front of her, making enough new memories to replace the ones she lost. She wants the FBI, the only job she's ever known but the only one she can imagine loving this much. She wants to embrace this family of hers made up of Tasha and Patterson and Reade and Kurt.

Kurt.

Oh, how she wants Kurt.

She wants to give their relationship a real fighting chance. She wants to tell him the words that he told her, the ones that have been running through her mind all afternoon and if she's completely honest the ones that have been running through her mind almost since the day they met.

So she swallows her nerves, leaves the FBI and her detail - for the first time in her life she doesn't have a detail! - and takes a cab to Kurt's apartment.

"_Taylor," Oscar murmurs, touching her face. He's burned to a crisp, a gaping hole in his torso. "You did this to me."_

"_Remi," Roman says. He's bruised and bloody, and he holds their coin in his hand. "You did this to me."_

"_Jane," Kurt says. He holds Taylor Shaw's boots in one hand and cuffs in the other. "You did this to me."_

"_You did this to yourself." Jane stares at a copy of herself, melting into Keaton's face as he plunges a cattle prod into her shoulder. "You did this to yourself." He pushes her face into water and holds her down. "You did this to yourself." He burns her arms with cigarettes. "You did this to yourself." He whips her back with his belt. "You did this to yourself."_

_He stabs her in the stomach and at last she screams, a raw, throaty howl of unadulterated pain._

"Jane!"

Jane launches up into a sitting position, grasping at air until strong arms wrap around her. "It's okay, Jane, you're safe, you're safe," Kurt whispers and at last she can breathe. Jane takes huge gulps of air as her heart rate begins to slow. She remembers where she is, why she's wearing Kurt's T-shirt, and almost smiles. Almost.

Kurt pulls away to look her in the eyes. "You okay?" he asks. "You were screaming."

Jane shrugs but doesn't say anything.  
"How often do you have them? The nightmares."

"Pretty much every night." She tries to ignore Kurt's expression.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Jane runs a hand through her short hair and sighs. "It was Oscar and Roman and you and me. Telling me it was my fault. Then Keaton. Always Keaton."

Kurt curls a hand round hers. "What did he do to you?"

"'Bout everything you can imagine happening at a CIA blacksite. It wasn't a vacation, I'll tell you that much." She laughs nervously, on the verge of crying. "It was terrifying." She'd been surprised, last night, when Kurt removed her shirt and saw the marks Keaton left. He'd only looked at them for a few moments before kissing her softly, a silent _it's okay._

"I'm so sorry," Kurt whispers, pulling her back into his arms. He rocks her for a little, until she feels comfortable enough to go back to sleep. She drifts off in his arms, hearing _you're safe you're safe you're safe_ in her mind.

Director Hirst calls them later the next day to tell them that they have the next three days off and thanks them again for their service. Jane touches the bruise above her eyebrow and tries not to think about Roman. She's here with Kurt, and she loves him and he loves her and that's all that matters right now. They enjoy their time together, spending time getting to know each other again. No more secrets, no more lies, just them. Jane tells him more about Oscar and Shepherd and Roman, the memories she's slowly getting back. Kurt tells her about those three months she'd missed while under Keaton's 'supervision'.

But mostly, they just sleep.

Jane can't remember the last time she had a full eight hours. She's not sure she ever has. Maybe back in the beginning, when she was first part of the team. Then came Markos, and Oscar, and the memories she couldn't escape. And then she watched Mayfair die and killed Oscar, and was tortured for months at a CIA blacksite. After that she became a double agent for the FBI, but it took months to repair those relationships. Then she was nearly killed by Shepherd, erased Roman's memory, and spent the past year trying to stop Sandstorm, all while getting more memories of assassinations and near-death experiences.

Yeah, she doubts that she's ever had a good night's sleep.

When she's with Kurt, the nightmares ease. They don't completely disappear, but she has less of them, and when she wakes, hyperventilating and drenched in sweat, he's there to remind her that she's safe now.

The three days pass far too quickly, and it's time to pick up the pieces of the mess Sandstorm left behind. Hundreds of Sandstorm operatives are coming forward, most of them having been coerced or blackmailed into working with Shepherd, and confess what they know for a shorter prison sentence. Hundreds of cold cases - assassinations, bombings, thefts - are finally resolved. Director Hirst is a far better director than Pellington ever was. She reopens the Jane Doe investigation with the understanding that there are still tattoos to be solved, and suggests that Jane become a proper FBI agent. Even with her current qualifications as a former Navy SEAL and FBI consultant, the process will take about six months, all of which will be spent at Quantico, where Reade has thankfully decided not to transfer to. Jane agrees, and leaves two weeks after Sandstorm's downfall.

Kurt and Jane call every few days and Jane calls Patterson, Tasha and Reade at least once a week. She works hard and manages to skip all of MMA training and all gym requirements after she lands the instructor on his back in less than ten seconds on her first day. She returns to the gym every day, however, keeping her form. It's muscle memory, always has been, but she likes making new training memories. Her roommate, Alice, trains with her. Alice is ex-military too, making her a near-equal match for Jane.

(Jane still gets free breakfasts almost every day for six months when she beats her.)

Quantico's a challenge for Jane, and though she hasn't been lacking in challenges over the last two and a half years, she relishes it. She loves the satisfaction of solving a practise case, the eureka moment that gives her that extra push. She likes that it isn't life-or-death if she fails. For once, she's learning with no threat of danger.

Kurt and the rest of the team come to Jane's graduation, watching her beam as she is handed her very own FBI badge. Later that evening, at the bar where everyone's gathered to celebrate, Kurt jokingly officially announces her hired at the NYO.


End file.
